Love poem to G-d

Do I have enough soul to flow and mesmerize the crowd with my knowing?
Am I a fisher for pens or do I vainly sow the seeds of another pointless poem?
Do I need a mic to amplify the intricacies of my voice speaking?
Or can I feed this crowd with the simple delicacies of my time keeping?
Master flow: smoothing verbs like pebbles in a stream
From backyard barbeques, I watched the freestyle my dream
I never thought one minute, I would take it this far
Made the journey through the desert saw the ocean on a star
Thirsty for your love, desperate to say whats on my heart
Elliptical illumination of a crescent moon that’s how it starts
I think of how I started to fast the first time
To impress this girl, but I couldn’t hold the line
And I can’t write about my romance tingling the pants of female audience viewers
And I can’t play the horn, but I would like to be Coltrane making your blood bluer.
Because this thing is oxygen to my lonely heart:
Now instead of fake smiling all the time
When I bleed badly from my pen I stain the paper with my rhyme.

Snow in the desert and palm trees in winter
I tried to be into You because outside There is No Other giving
But every time I bow to pray, I'm distracted by my past living
The vanity of existence is what gives love the edge of bittersweet desire,
I was torn up inside from muffling my secret fire.
Truth is the motion of coming closer and closer to the roots of a palm tree rooted a thousand miles deep in the axis of a burning flame.
And I would flicker faithfully forever G-d, just help me to forget Her name.

My shame is too much to bear
My thoughts are impure, my mind is filled with fear.
I can say what I want so well my metaphors be sculpting sound
But I cried when She left because I knew she realized deep down
I couldn’t be the king if I was afraid to wear the crown.
Because I couldn’t even show the truth inside of me,
I changed clothes, changed flows, adapted an identity to please,
yet every night i had to bury it deep beneath my insecurity.
And then I came broken, faithless, pathless, faceless.
The promise of salvation brought me joy but I felt baseless
I clutched desperately to my heart tissue.

Yet I realized my whole life has been alone
Out of place in every hiding place I tried to make my own
Surrounded with those who knew me, not one of them my friend
Never able to describe my fight within to them.
I partied and smoked and drank and tried to fuck my way to freedom
I became a revolutionary for the same set of reasons.
Casting about for the Way, I never liked to walk alone
Through the desert, through the classroom, through the water, through the storm.
And in its wild crashing raging the sea’s too deep for wading, I have to swim and kick and claw to get home
but home’s been washed away I wander lonely as a cloud
My mind is blind and at times I can’t see how
I could ever see or talk or think or make my heart allow
To believe with the pure intention of a child.
G-d is not a matter of reason; like poetry you have to live Him
And you can’t believe in G-d alone you have to find Him in the rhythm
of the congregation singing, bringing whispers from above
the old songs i can remember of She who Made Creation with Her love.